My Jersey Boy
by Kreskin
Summary: Fans of Inuyasha or human decency may be offended by this Inuyasha x Carl pairing. The Aqua Teens are growing tired of the dog-boy, and when Carl's supposed death sends Inu into a suicidal depression, Master Shake takes matters into his own yellow hands!
1. Another Well, Another World

He couldn't believe it. And here he was, all alone. He'd been chasing Naraku's trail for days, but Inuyasha had gotten separated from the others. And now, he had found a dried up well. It was emanating magical energy and he knew this was another time warp like the one Kagome used. But what if it was misused for the wrong purposes? He would have to go through and find out what would happen. Little did he know what this would do to his life.

"Great, I'll have to do everything myself - AGAIN," complained Inuyasha, his ears flicking in frustration. He hopped to the bottom of the well, and at once, he found himself in a different place. Something smelled horrible.

"UGH! What is this?!" he yelled. He climbed out of the well. It appeared to be the future like in Kagome's time, but... different.

"Dammit Frylock! Where's my TV Guide?!" yelled Master Shake, his voice clearly audible through the shattered open window of their South Jersey home.

"I told you Shake, that's Carl's and we shouldn't steal it!"

Inuyasha listened intently. This 'Frylock' sounded pissed.

"Listen," Shake replied soothingly. "Carl can fend for himself in this world of media entertainment. I however am a victim of circumstance. And the government owes me these things that I have to steal for myself."

Frylock just groaned in disgust.

"Meatwad knows. Tell him, Meatwad," Shake added.

"Oh, I know," Meatwad said, having just entered the room. "Boy, I know all about it. I got an education - now get this - through the mail."

"That's not what - when did you get an education?!" Frylock asked.

"This mornin'," Meatwad answered. "Best four years of my life."

"So you got a four year education... this morning." Frylock's tone was heavy with doubt.

"Did I say four years? Cause I still gotta go back for my masters," Meatwad added.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Frylock yelled.

"Listen to you!" Shake yelled back. "You're always telling him to get out there and get a job! Now he does it and you're all over him like gays on fags!"

"I tell YOU to get a job, Shake!" Frylock corrected at the top of his lungs.

"Me, Meatwad. It's all the same," Shake explained all-knowingly. "We're all brothers under one roof. And he can get a job and make me money to live off of - because he's that kind of person. And I don't think you should judge him for that."

Frylock was silent.

Shake continued. "I mean, look at yourself. Really LOOK at you. Over there... floating... orange and yellow... and other things. All at once."

Frylock sighed. "I'm getting out of here."

"No, you listen to me," Shake demanded as Frylock left the room. "That's right! Run from the truth, because you can't handle the lie that is your life!"

Frylock's door slammed.

"Meatwad," Shake said as he sat down on his chair. "Go get a job."

"What's my major?" Meatwad asked, flailing a college diploma around in his greasy arm. "Cause I can't read whatever this paper is."

"Shut up," Shake barked. "College is just one big thing. And you did it. So go do it. For me."

Meatwad slithered off with no idea what he was going to do. Inuyasha shook his head. "I thought people would get SMARTER in the future," he said to himself. He walked curiously out of the Aqua Teen's yard and into one with a somewhat recently mowed lawn. That's where he saw a man. A certain special man.

"Hey there, you're uh, you're on my property there guy," Carl said from his above-ground pool, where he was wading around in a feeble attempt to tan his pasty skin.

"Sorry," Inuyasha replied.

Carl shook his head. "Oh, you know, that's no big deal, I mean you came from 'their' yard but I notice you have arms and legs. And you ain't leavin' no trails of poison gas or firin' lasers at me. And - hey! Are those MC Hammer pants?"

"These are called Hakama," Inuyasha answered. "They're woven from the hairs of the Fire Rat."

"Those are badass my friend, it's like you're from the 1980s but you just don't care, you know? Maybe I oughta go up to my room and get my leather jeans on and you and me can hit up some dance clubs! I mean, I still got it... well YOU still got it, and maybe that'll be enough to get me lucky."

Inuyasha just stared at him for a moment, then he started to walk over to the pool to rest his arms against it.

"Stop!" Carl yelled, looking at Inuyasha intently. The dog-demon paused midstep and gave him a puzzled look.

"...Hammertime!"

Inuyasha stared some more as Carl broke out laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry. You, uh, must not listen to the radio. But that don't matter. Look at that hair. You start headbanging down at The Lounge and the girls are gonna jump outta their bras."

Inuyasha took a few steps closer until he was looking Carl in the eyes from only a foot away. "Why would I want girls...?" he asked softly.

"Oh god," Carl whispered, a bead of nervous sweat racing clunkily down his back.

"Carl, was it?" Inuyasha asked, his eyes gleaming.

"Uh, y-yeah, that's me," Carl answered weakly.

"Let's do something. Just you and me." Inu smiled at him.

-To be continued- 


	2. No Friggin Way

My Jersey Boy

Chapter Two: No Friggin' Way

Inuyasha sat on 'That gray thing out there! The friggin' sidewalk!', as Carl had loudly instructed before running inside his house and slamming door shut, leaving a trail of wet grass in his wake.

The infamous flaxen-haired mutt was cross-legged, his arms folded in, his hands swallowed up by his lengthy, spacious sleeves. The peculiar smell from earlier assaulted his nose and he cringed. "What in the hell is that!" he asked, looking around angrily.

A ball of meat rolled up to him and touched his leg, scaring him.

"Uwaa!" screamed Inu-kun, his face doing that anime thing where they look surprised like with big eyes etc.

"Hey," Meatwad said casually.

"You're alive?" Inu asked. "Are you some kind of demon, made of up stray bits of rotting flesh?"

Meatwad blinked vapidly. "Um... should I say yes?"

"It doesn't matter," Inu sighed, figuring this small thing to be no threat.

"Okay, then yes. I am what you say," Meatwad said with profound certainty.

Inu-kun rolled his eyes. "So, ah... what do you want?"

Meatwad got a stern look. "Boy, I came to tell you, stay offa this here yard, 'cause the mailman, his name's Jim by the way, real nice fellow, Jim said he ain't bringin' the mail anymore if we got any 'weird folks' sittin' on the lawn. And I NEED that mail. I just got out of college and I'm waiting for lots of job offers to be rolling in. And I just won't get it without the mail. I heard about this email stuff, but shoot, my computer's not internet-ready, mostly because I don't know what internet is. Also I don't really have a computer. Frylock says it's a calcugator and that Master Shake isn't really getting MP3s with it. 'Cause I'll tell ya, I want them MP-"

"Shut up already!" Inuyasha yelled. "I don't even know what you're talking about. Plus Carl told me to wait for him here. He's gonna get ready then we're going to a 'club'. I'm really excited, so I'm not leaving this spot." He crossed his arms and turned his head. "Now kindly get the hell away from me, you smell of death!"

Meatwad slithered back inside, and time passed. A mailman came by, a skinny, nervous man, who saw Inuyasha sitting and promptly threw the mail on the grass before half-running away.

A bit later, Master Shake came outside, opening the mailbox then looking down at his mail on the ground.

"I can't believe this," he said to himself. "The mail goes IN the box! I will get on the internet and complain about this town's postal service on the message groups. The machine gods will hear and they will not be pleased. Ohh, no, they will... hm..." his rant trailed off as he flipped through the mail.

"12 CDs for 99 cents? What the hell kind of deal is that? On the internet, which is where I work, I get free music all I want in my email. In MP3s. From my friends Metallica. And I get all the songs from their CDs that aren't even out yet."

"What is this internet you freakish things keep driveling about?" Inu asked, still sitting on the same spot.

"Who are you?" Shake asked. "No, you know what? I'll tell you who you are. You are a bum. And bums are afraid of the internet. I'll give you till the count of five before I go get a broom and chase you off my property, you hear me?"

"I'm no bum, pal. I'm a half-demon, and if you try and make me move, I'll tear you in two."

"Demon!" Shake gasped. "Well I'll have you know I am a champion of justice! And my friend Frylock will be honored to destroy you so I don't have to." He edged his way slowly backwards to the house as he talked.

"HALF-demon," Inu corrected. "And unless you cross me, you don't have to worry about me attacking you, alright?"

"You think your lies will affect me? I am too strong for you! I... FRYLOCK!" He banged on the door. "GET OUT HERE AND BLAST HIM!"

Frylock cracked open the door and peered out at Shake. "If it's about those Jehova's Witnesses, I already told you Shake, you just have to politely ask them to - what the... do I detect DEMON blood in the air?"

"YES!" howled Shake, trying to slip in the doorway. "While you were telling me your life story, I was trying to tell you there's a demon and he wants to eat my eyes!"

"Alright, I'll deal with this," Frylock sighed, drifting outside as Shake ran in.

"Yes! You should, because I, you know, don't feel like... exposing Meatwad to... the, uh, demonic... blow him back to hell!" Shake slammed the door and Frylock approached Inuyasha.

"Hello. We really don't want you eating our eyes, so if you could leave peacefully, we'd-"

"I don't want to eat some giant drink's eyes," Inu snapped. "I'm waiting for Carl."

"Oh, I see. Shake has a way of mixing things up. So tell me, what kind of demon are you?"

"I'm a half inu-youkai, a dog-demon," Inu-kun explained.

"Interesting," Frylock replied. "According to what I've read, your kind existed in feudal Japan hundreds of years ago, although I always took it as myths."

"Yeah, well I'm not a myth, alright? Now go away!"

"Is something wrong? Have I offended you?"

"I'm just... worried about Carl," he muttered. "He said he had to take a bath, but I thought that's what he was doing when I found him. Bathing with clothes on... he seems shy."

"Right..." Frylock agreed. "And how long ago was this?"

"Oh, a couple of hours. But I don't mind. I have nothing else to do in this era."

Frylock quirked a brow. "This era...? Are you a time-traveler?"

Inu nodded. "Why?"

Frylock shook his head. "Oh, it's nothing. Look, I really have to go take care of some things, what was your name again?"

"Inuyasha. And you're Frylock, I heard that much."

"Yes, well, I'd like to talk to you more later, if I can."

"I dunno about that. Carl and I are going out together when he's done."

"Well, some other time maybe," Frylock said as he floated back into the house.

"Is he dead?" Shake asked hopefully from the TV chair.

"No. I'm not going to kill him, Shake. He's an intelligent and peaceful being."

"He said he'd kill me!" Shake whined.

"He said that to me too," Meatwad said. "Or at least he said... stray flesh... demon... something along them lines."

"Do you hear this!" Shake yelled at Frylock. "Has your heart turned to stone, o savior?"

"This is ridiculous!" said Frylock. "He hasn't done a damn thing, Shake!"

"He bought you!" Shake yelled dramatically. "With his blood money! What was it, Frylock? Cash? MP3 players? ...Babes?"

Frylock sighed and shook his head, leaving the room.

"It was babes, wasn't it!" Shake called after him. "Is it too late for him to buy me off with babes too?"

Realizing Frylock was gone, Shake looked to Meatwad. "Is he still out there?"

"You know it," Meatwad said in a frustrated tone, lifting himself and peering out the window to see a bush, which he interpreted to be Inuyasha despite its shape and color. "It burns me up seein' him out there like that. That boy's chasin' our mail off! Jim didn't bring us nothin' today!"

"Yeah, that's right, we didn't get our mail," Shake agreed, having thrown it all away. "And it was just bills anyway, and some things for you."

Meatwad sank back to the floor. "Yeah... wait, what?"

"I said, go get rid of that guy. He likes you best so far."

"For real?"

"Yes, seriously. Would I lie? He said, I'll eat you, Shake, but that Meatball's not so bad. He said it. Now, go ask him nicely to leave."

"Nuh-uh, boy, I ain't doin' it."

Shake wallowed around in his chair. "Uggggghhhh... Fine, then. We'll ALL be miserable, because YOU won't do this."

Time passed

Frylock was peering out the window, still seeing Inuyasha waiting outside, his hair glowing in the soft, gentle light of the first star of the evening. "I think we should go talk to Carl about him."

Shake hadn't gotten out of his chair all day. "I think you should use your weird magic to turn him into ant food, but hey, I guess everyone's got an opinion on this, huh?"

Meatwad looked between the two and added, "I think we oughta do whatever we gotta do to get our mail coming."

"I said everyone HAS an opinion," Shake barked. "I didn't say I wanted to hear yours."

"Shut the hell up, Shake! ...Alright, I'm going to go talk to Carl so that maybe we can end this whole mess."

"Great. I'll be holding the fort here," Shake said peacefully as he flipped channels.

Frylock went outside and floated over to Carl's house, knocking on the door. "Carl? You home, man?"

Carl was sitting on his couch watching TV. The lights were off and his curtains were closed. "Yeah, that's right. Knock all day, ya weirdos. Carl ain't goin' nowhere."

"Carl!" Frylock said, much more loudly, which clued Carl in to the fact that the door was now open.

"Wha-wha-whaddaya want!" Carl asked in horror. "I swear I'll call the cops on you. Oh, it's you, Fry-man. I thought we had that talk, you know, last week? About the whole breaking and entering thing?"

"Carl, I was worried," Frylock explained, staying near the door. "You left your friend sitting outside all day. Just making sure you're okay, buddy."

"Yeah, well I'm okay. So show yourself out, and uh, while you're at it, weld the door shut with your fire from the sky 'cause I think I'm just gonna stay in here till the world ends."

Frylock floated over next to Carl. "Look, Carl, you really need to set this guy straight out here. He thinks he's waiting for you."

"Oh, I wish I COULD set him straight, eheheh, lemme tell ya. Yeah, no, he's waiting for me all right, it's just he's gonna still be waitin' after I'm dead."

"Carl. That's rude! He's a nice guy, and it sounds like you two made plans together."

"Yeah, it sounded that way too, till he scared the living hell out of me." Carl stood up and held his hands out, his fingers locked tightly into curls. He spoke more quietly like he was telling a secret. "Listen, Fry-man, that cowboy, he's shootin' sideways."

Frylock squinted a bit. "I don't think I know what you mean."

Carl rubbed his head. "When a cowboy shoots his gun sideways, you know what he hits?"

"I don't know, I-"

"ANOTHER COWBOY. IN THE FRIGGIN' ASS. You see what I'm saying!"

"Oh. You mean he's gay?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. And Carl don't swing that way. So he can, you know, starve to death, right over there where he is, and when the rain comes it'll sweep him over into the gutter and he'll wash away. Like I wish all my problems would. Hell, why don't you 'round up Shake and the little Meatwad there and the aliens and the zombies and the friggin' robots and all sit out there like that guy. And all starve to death."

"Carl, I don't think you understand. He's a demon."

Carl's eyes went wide. "Oh, you're freakin' kidding me. What, is he gonna take my soul or somethin'?"

"No, no. I guess I should say he's a half-demon. Anyway, he's stronger than he looks, and if you make him mad I think bad things are going to happen to you. So maybe you should go get a blanket and something warm to drink and go be nice to him and set him straight on this whole 'gay' thing."

Carl sneered. "How about if I did that I'd be gay too? Do I look like your grandmother, Fry-man? No, don't answer that. Do I look like a normal person's grandmother? You think I go out there and tell the Devil's Helper that I don't wanna wear his saddle? Maybe I bring him some cookies too. Yeah, this plan sucks. How about you do that, and I nail some boards to my doors and windows?"

"He seems like he's got a temper," Frylock insisted. "He's controlling it now, but if he gets upset, no boards or locks are gonna stop him from getting what he wants."

"You know, at that point you'd think I'd change my mind, but no, I think I'll just keep my money on the whole 'sit there and starve to death' ticket."

"Well fine, Carl. I tried to make this work, but we don't want that guy sitting by our mailbox for the rest of our lives, so if you won't explain it to him, I'll go tell him! I'll tell him everything you said and point him right at your house. You know, Inu-Youkai are known for slaughtering entire towns in their rage."

Carl gulped and wiped sweat from his face. "Aw, jeez. Fine. I'll take him to a freakin' club already. But I am bringing a goddamn gun and if he so much as TOUCHES me I am shooting to kill."

"Alright. I'll let you take care of that. Goodnight." Frylock hovered out the door.

Hopping to his feet, Carl followed him. "H-h-hey, hold on a second. You guys are comin' too, right?"

"Us? It's awfully late for Meatwad to be out. Besides, Shake doesn't really like Inuyasha much, and I-"

"I'll friggin' pay you," Carl added desperately.

"Deal," Frylock said.

"Okay, thank you," Carl mumbled softly as he glanced outside. There was Inuyasha, and suddenly Inu-kun's head lifted! His glittering yellow eyes met Carl's.

"Jesus son of Mary," Carl said in a haunted voice. "Uh, h-hey there buddy!"

"Carl!" Inu shrieked, lifting to his feet and walking over to the man. "I was worried about you. What took you so long?"

He looked around and fumbled his mouth as he thought. "Oh, I, uh, had to, you know, ...do my taxes."

"Do them? You mean pay them?" Inu asked, the difference in their times and cultures obvious.

"Uh, yeah, exactly. So, uh, I was talkin' to my friend Frylock there, and we're workin' it out to get our club on to-night! So, uh, of course you're still invited."

Inu beamed a bright smile. "Of course! I want to see what the future people do for fun."

Carl faked a smile back. "Oh, yeah! The future people! I mean, whatever? We're all gonna die sooner or later. The future people are great, there."

"Okay, Carl, I talked them into it," Frylock called out as he and the other Aqua Teens approached.

"When you say 'pay', you better not mean that jar of change in your bedroom, because I am NOT counting that," Shake said.

"Oh, those guys are coming?" Inu-kun said grouchily.

"How we getting there?" Frylock asked. "We could take the Danger Cart."

Carl shook his head. "No, you know what? How about you leave in that wagon thing now, and I'll leave tomorrow, and we'll get there the same freakin' time."

Inuyasha-kun looked confused. "We're going tomorrow? Then I guess I'll stay at your place tonight, Carl."

A look of horror hit Carl's face and he rushed to his car, swinging a couple doors open. "Oh my god... Okay, let's go! Right now! Get your slimy this's and that's in my goddamn car and let's go to The Lounge! And don't hold back, smear your grossness on there real good, cause I'm gonna burn the damn interior after this anyway."

Everyone piled in and, with weight on his shoulders and dread in his eyes, Carl got behind the wheel and turned the key.

-And so ended Chapter Two of the epic love story, 'My Jersey Boy'-

Author Note Thingy:

First and Foremost, thanks to my reviewers. I considered writing more, but also considered what my friends would do to me if I did. I have been punched and yelled at for this story, as I well deserved. Anyhow, yeah, it was one of my 'back burner' projects, which get about as much attention as my 'front burner' projects, i.e. none.

When I saw all these reviews, though, I KNEW I had to write more. I have... a following! Honestly, "to be continued" was more of an idle threat - sort of like a launch button for a nuclear missile which I never planned on pressing.

To all haters, I understand your feelings. Let the flames flow if it sooths your inner turmoil. I will take your burden. I will be your healing hands. Let us all love one another forever and ever. Amen. ...Wait, what was I talking about?

Thanks to all who liked chapter one, I'm glad I wrote decent ATHF-style dialogue. It was... er, my first time. Suffice to say I wasn't especially impressed with most of the other ATHF fics on here and I wanted to try and raise the bar. Glad some of you enjoyed said bar-raising.

I usually never do this, since I don't GET questions, but here are some answers to your questions/comments.

peeps: I actually have never smoked pot, although I have been accused a good number of times. There are a multitude of theories about how my brain naturally produces it or whatnot. I suppose this would explain where I get these ideas.

Sephulbadis: If there were room for a Pope of Funny in this world, there'd be room for my own makeshift b/s religions as well and I wouldn't have time for yours. I appreciate it, though.

YORUnoKOE: 'Poor little' Inuyasha is quite possibly the happiest character in this story, in spite of any trials he may endure in his quest for love.

Els-chan: Maybe, but you don't really mean that.

blah: ...I actually didn't consciously/intentionally put a single piece of innuendo in chapter one. Sorry for you either way. And I don't even know what a vole implies, so maybe I am one.

The Master Flamer: I don't mind being flamed, but you are no master. Step down and recognize, son.

And, that's it. Drop me a Review if you feel the need, 'cause I sure do like 'em. 


	3. Getting In

My Jersey Boy

Chapter Three: Getting In

Carl's car, which has been destroyed beyond recognition on multiple occasions, but still somehow exists, was driving down the road late at night. In the back were Frylock, Meatwad, and Inuyasha. In the front was Master Shake, his seatbelt tied around his straw wildly.

"Hey, crank them tunes up!" Meatwad said from the back, making the 'raise the roof' motion.

"Tunes?" Inuyasha asked.

"The radio ain't even on!" Carl yelled back at them.

Shake reached out and turned it on; Britney Spears started playing. "It is now! ...The hell's this?"

Meatwad bobbed his head. "Aw, yeah, boy, here's a real gangsta for ya!"

Shake laughed. "Carl, you listen to this crap?"

Carl gulped. "Well, uh, she's hot. It's easier to think about doin' her when I got her songs playin'. Especially that one, hit me one more time... cause you know I'd hit it one more time, hahaha!"

Carl laughed at this. The rest didn't, and he looked at them awkwardly. Inuyasha didn't seem happy about it. Frylock looked out the window.

"Ohh, I get... wait," Meatwad said, scratching his head.

Shake changed the radio station again, to a country station. He quickly turned it off.

"Ohhh, I get it!" Meatwad said again. "You'd hit it... one more time! With that girl you like! You're talking about poker. STRIP poker, am I right?"

"That's blackjack, Meatwad," Frylock said.

Meatwad stared at Frylock. "...Oh. ...OHHH, I get it now!"

Carl's hands tightened around the steering wheel. "Hey! I'm usin' the word 'think' loosely here, but could you guys think of something else for a minute?"

"Hey, we're here!" Meatwad yelled, hopping up and down in the seat.

Shake peered out the window. "Finally! I think this seat is giving me a rash."

"Ummm, no. That's a gas station," Frylock told them.

"Gas?" Inuyasha asked. "Oh, for some reason that reminds me! I was looking for Naraku!"

"The Rock?" Shake asked quietly.

"Nachos?" Meatwad replied. "Carl, let's go to Taco Bell and get this boy his nachos. Believe me, I KNOW the nacho hunger. You do not just 'get over' it with hard work and willpower."

"I ain't buyin' him jack, Meatman."

Inuyasha pounded his fist against the car door. "Not nachos, Naraku! He's a powerful demon from my time, and-"

Shake's eyes went wide. "Demons! Call the exorcist!"

Meatwad looked confused. "Wait, ain't that..."

"Yeah, that's me," Frylock said. "Shake, it's not really the same thing. Listen... sometimes, when something is translated from another language, from another culture, it-"

"Lies and hypocrisy!" Shake yelled. "The holy order will pass judgement!"

"Oh, for the love of!" Inuyasha yelled and slammed his foot down, through the floor of the car, scraping against the road below and slowing the car to a stop. "All of you shut up! You're bothering Carl!"

Carl watched all this through his rear view mirror, his body frozen. "My... friggin' car..." he murmured helplessly.

Things were quiet in the car except for Shake turning on an easy listening station. Finally they arrived at The Lounge and parked.

"Alright," Carl said, getting out of the car. "Here's the plan. We'll stay until I've asked every girl in here for sex, or until one says yes. Fryman?"

"Yeah Carl?"

"Anything pisses me off, you blow it up. Meatman? ...You just stay in the car, there, buddy. Shake?"

"I help you find those chicks, right?"

"No, you keep your mouth shut and stay the hell away from me. And, uh," he pointed at Inuyasha, "Shi Tzu or whatever your name is, you follow me and if anyone asks, I'm your brother and I was born with elephantitis."

They all stared at him. Inuyasha frowned. "Carl, your brother? I thought we could spend time together."

Carl started sweating. "Oh, well we'll be together in a way, right? I mean, we'll be in the same building, that's kinda special too, you know?"

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to ditch me?"

Carl looked to the Aqua Teens for help, finding none. "Uh, y-y-you know that ain't true, I mean, we're friends right? Look, let's get in there and just have some fun, you know? Everybody have a good time--Meatman you stay in this damn car--and we'll all be happy."

Inuyasha sighed and they all walked to the door, except Meatwad, who sat in the dark, quiet backseat, looking around with that stupid smile on his face as if he were enjoying it.

"Hold it," a tall man in a suit said, sticking out his palm. "20 dollars for admission, and are all of you adults?"

"Look at him," Shake said mockingly, pointing at Frylock. "He's a damn box of french fries with a face. You think he's an adult? How could you ever know?"

"I'm not here to judge your appearance. Just some ID, please."

Carl fumbled around in his pocket. "Oh geez, 20 dollars... uh, you guys are paying your way right?"

Frylock sighed. "You actually think Shake has money?"

"Oh yeah!" Shake yelled hysterically. "I've got millions! In my Swiss bank account! I'll wire us a few grand and buy this whole club! ...But no, seriously, Carl, pay for me."

Carl rubbed his forehead. "Shake, go sit in the car, there."

Shake's eyes went wide. "HELL NO I won't! Give me the keys!"

"No keys, damn you! You are never driving my car again! Or did you forget the time I woke up and my car was on top of my friggin' roof?"

"You mean that day when the fire department had to...?" Frylock asked.

"Ohhh, yes. How could I forget all the fire that burned half my house down, and y'know, nearly killed me."

"You hurt Carl!" Inuyasha yelled, grabbing Shake with both hands.

"Ow! Hey, Magilla, break this up!" Shake yelled at the giant doorman.

"Not gonna happen," the guy said blandly.

"Answer me!" Inu-kun snapped.

Shake gulped, then laughed nervously. "Well, it's like... you know... sometimes we're doing things, and... these accidents come up. I can't place the blame ENTIRELY on Meatwad, but yes it's all his fault when Carl gets hurt."

"He's lying," Frylock said lightly, looking at Carl.

"Yes," Carl said calmly, with a slow sigh. "Yes, the, uh, cup is the bane of my existence, really."

Inu's grip tightened around Shake, making the styrofoam-like material creak under pressure. "Then you guys won't mind if I-"

"No," Carl and Frylock answered in unison.

"Yes, we definitely will," Shake added, looking at the two hopefully. They stared back at him, then at Inuyasha, who, after a brief pause, crunched Shake together at the middle and heaved him off into the distance screaming.

Shake landed head-first in a dumpster, stirring the rest of a scrawny hobo with bloodshot eyes.

"You want in?" the hobo asked raspily, impatiently awaiting an answer.

"Huh? 'In'?" Shake wondered, lifting himself up.

The hobo pressed his face right against Shake's, talking very quickly and angrily. "I said you want in, Jameson, you want in!"

"Uhh... yes," Shake answered hoping this was the right answer.

"Unhuh," the hobo replied, pulling away, seeming to rock himself unsteadily in his own arms.

"I have to go back to the world of sunlight," Shake said, trying to pull himself out of the giant box of filth. "You take care of this broken TV, how's that?"

"Unhuh," the hobo said again in exactly the same tone, his face twitching.

Shake landed on the ground and started to waddle away, his sides still crushed in to about half the normal size. After about four or five steps, he fell over and laid there lifelessly. The hobo watched him carefully and slowly climbed out, approaching him, kneeling over him. "...You want in?"

And so, Carl, Inuyasha and Frylock were set to go into the downtown club known only as The Lounge. What dangers would await them? What would happen to Shake? What does it mean to 'get in'?

Yes, I know, this chapter took awhile. You wouldn't believe how busy I've been, or how much of a liar I am.

So, this is my most popular story ever, and I've received a marriage proposal and a request to father children. It just doesn't get much better than that! The part I like most, though, is that people say I have the characters down so perfectly (except Inu). To me, it's an honor as a writer to have people feel that way, even if this is just ATHF.

So, a few replies are in order:

Penname wa Silver B: I can't see CarlxInuyasha either. And indeed, I know Inuyasha's out of character entirely. I want it to feel like he was just shoved in, with no regard for who he's supposed to be. Perhaps a statement could be made here about pairings that really don't make much sense to normal people but are pushed anyway. Of course, that's not why I'm writing this. I just like to make people suffer and/or laugh.

Katherine Grace: I'm on LJ, but the spread of this story there had nothing to do with me. I keep my Journal mostly secret because I'm sort of paranoid, but I may put it back on my User Profile. I'd be curious to know which community(if any) you found it on, btw.

Why-is-buggy-takeN: No, don't worry. No yaoi. This is not a spoiler, it's a simple fact of life: Carl won't return Inuyasha's feelings.

Kena: Give me your phone number. NOW. ahem

People who read this because I made them (Siris/Aniki/SexyCommando): Yeh. Thanks.

So, that's all for now, I'll try to update a little faster next time. So, keep those reviews, flames (where are all my flames?) and proposals of love coming. 


	4. Nobel Prize

The Laboratory of Doctor Weird, South Jersey Shore.

Steve and Dr. Weird stand there.

"Gentlemen! Do you like to dance?"

"Well, uh, sure, Doc."

"Then Behold! Dance Dance Revelation!"

Ominous theme music plays, garage gate opens. Arcade machine is there.

"Hey, this's kinda like that one dance game... cool, Doc!"

"To the platform, fool!"

"Well, okay."

Steve gets on the dance pad with four arrow footpads.

"It begins!"

Dr. Weird shakes his fist in the air. The machine lights up but the screen is dark. Instead of music, a voice comes on.

"Hello, I'm James Earl Jones, and this is The Book of Revelation. Chapter one. The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave Him to show his servants..."

"Uh, Doc? 'Zit 'sposed ta do that? Aren't there s'posed ta be like, arrows on the screen or somethin'?"

"Not yet, Steve! It could take a thousand years!"

"...grace to you and peace from Him who is and who was and who is to come..."

Steve stands there holding his test tube listening to the last book of The Bible, and nothing happens onscreen until suddenly a wave of at least 100 arrows fly over the screen in less than a second followed by a Game Over screen.

"No! It's over! You fool!"

Thunder crashes outside and the sky darkens, and the game screen turns red.

"Kinda hard, don't you think?"

The windows shatter and a giant winged messenger of death bursts through to claim their souls.

"NO! The apocalypse! Way to go, Steve!"

Things become a blur, and then fade to black.

Meanwhile, in a car in a parking lot...

"I'm sick'a this here car, boy," Meatwad said to no one in particular, sitting in the backseat of the car with his seatbelt, well, I guess you could say it was on.

Meanwhile, in a back alley...

"What did I tell you? Five frickin' minutes ago, what did I say to you?" Shake glared at the homeless man and picked up an AM radio, setting it in a small pile of junk.

"Mmm," the man answered in a raspy tone.

"That's right you don't know!" Shake barked, kicking over some of the hobo's empty bottles. "You don't know anything cause you don't listen! This is why you are a member of the working class and I am the intellectual nobility of this world!"

"Un-huh," the hobo answered, like he often did.

"I said I get all electronic devices! Because even if you had the money, you're too disgusting to be let into a Seven Frickin' Eleven and buy some batteries! Now what else are you hoarding from me?"

The milkshake shuffled over to the man's pile and gasped in horror.

"Comic books!" He picked up a broken piece of a rain gutter and hit the hobo angrily. "I KNOW you can't read! Don't even try and tell me you can read, because this is gonna get really ugly..."

"Un-huh."

"That's all you say! That is ALL YOU SAY!"

The hobo, cringing from the beating he was receiving, looked up at Shake and made the inklings of saying something, at which Shake let up for a moment.

"You... want in?" the hobo asked.

Shake threw the length of flimsy metal aside. "What does that even mean? You've been saying it for your whole damn life."

He walked over to his collection of goods, pressing the button on his radio a few times, getting no result. He sighed and fell over, lying on his back in dismay. The homeless guy just curled up and cradled himself, muttering un-huh's.

"I have to get out of here," Shake groaned. "Meatwad... I need to torture him. He gets so much more upset about it. You just take it like a dog. And while we're on the subject of like a dog, I know you've been pissing... behind that dumpster."

He stood up and walked closer to the hobo, who eyed him like he was some sort of food, which he was. "I understand, these conditions, they bring out the worst in all of us. But you should at least go to the sewer grate right over there. It'll be like you're getting your crap with everyone else's without the expense of a toilet! Isn't that neat? Like your own little bathroom. And then I won't have to know I'm using the same bathroom as you, because I've been going back there too. It's the privacy, isn't it? But let me tell you. No one gives a damn if you piss yourself in plain sight anymore. You're at the bottom! You're free! WE'RE free!"

"Un-huh..."

"Is that... Hey! That's mine! That's my bottle of vodka! I threw this away on accident, you can't have it! Get it out of your disgusting pile of rotten fruit and filthy baby dolls this instant!"

...Meanwhile, hundreds of years ago, on the other side of the planet...

Deep in the forests of futile Japan, a group of heroes ventured through the forest. The monk, Miroku used his monk staff as a walking staff as he walked at the head of the group of heroes. He looked back at Kagome and Songo and Shippo and Keylala who were all behind him.

"Inuyasha!" yelled Kagome. "Where are you!"

"Hey!" Shippo yelled. "Where is he?"

"He has been missing for days," Songo said.

"He can take care of himself," Miroku said. "But we should find him in case he is in trouble."

"Arent you even worried?" Kagome asks with pleading eyes.

"I'm sure he'll be okay," Mirkou answered. "I am more worried about the Scared Jewel Shard."

"And Naraku!"

"But what about that wierd well we saw? Do you think it is like the one you used to come to our time Kagome? Maybe he used it too?" Shippo asks.

"Hmm," Miroku says as he looks down.

"What is it?" Shippo asked.

"Sango's ass. I want her to bear children for me."

"Shut up!"

"YOU PERVERT!" yelled Kagome and Songo, kicking Miroku into a bush.

"Same old Miroku," Shippo laughs.

"Hey you guys!" Kouga says. "I heard Inuyasha was missing."

...Meanwhile, hundreds of years later, back on the original part of the globe, in a club called The Lounge...

"Okay," Carl said to Inuyasha. "You remember the plan. I go talk to that girl in the tank top, and you go up and tell her that I won... c'mon, what'd I win?"

Inu scratched his head. "The Nobel Peace Prize?"

"For what? What did I win it for, Shibu?"

"...For F--king?"

Carl laughed and clenched his fists, ready to rock. "Yeah. You got it. Alright buddy. Let's do this!"

"Carl, why do we have to do this? I just wanted to have fun with you."

"Oh, but this is lotsa fun! This is what friends do, you know? Have you heard of a wingman? That's what you are, you're my wingman! That's somethin' only really good friends do. ...Fryman, you're lookin' at me like there's somethin' wrong, here."

"Oh, no, it's nothing, Carl," Frylock said in a passively disgusted tone. "I'm not going to say anything. I'll be waaay over here, man."

As Frylock drifted off, Carl shook his head then walked up to a hot, slutty-looking girl who was leaning against a table with her hand. She looked at him, then looked away in disinterest. The repulsive man rubbed his forehead and weakly greeted her.

"Uh, h-hey there."

The girl, not looking, started to leave.

Inu blinked. "Now?"

"Yes, make the save!" Carl whispered loudly.

Inu came over and looked at the girl. "Hi! That's Carl. He won the Nobel Peace Prize for F--king!"

Carl bit his lip, sweating as he waited to see if his most prized line would work. The girl turned around and studied Inuyasha with interest.

"That's funny! You know that guy?"

"Yes! Carl and I are-"

"Uh, we're, brothers," Carl added, not wanting to know what the dog would say about them if allowed. "But I got the looks, eheheh!"

The girl didn't think it was funny, though it had to be a joke. She leaned close to Inuyasha and talked to what she thought would be his ear. "Let's ditch him and go party..."

"Don't touch me!" Inu cried, shoving the girl away. He skipped over to Carl and hid behind him, clutching into the man's doughlike shoulders, nuzzling his features into the warm, thin fabric of his shirt, which smelled so strongly of comfort, of home. "Carl, help."

"Oh, god, do you have to..." Carl tried to walk away from Inu, but the dogboy clung on tightly, finding solace from the icky female in the vibrant stench of a real man.

"Are you two really brothers, or are you...?" the girl asked.

"No!" Inu answered. "Carl's not my brother!"

"Then you're..." she smiled. "I could get into this."

Carl's jaw dropped. "R-really? Like... me, him, you? Tonight?"

The woman nodded, and Carl gulped, grinning hopefully. "There is a god," he whispered. "What about just... me and you, and he watches?"

Her interest faded at that point...

"Carl, make her go away!" Inu squealed.

"Look, this isn't gonna work," she told them, walking off.

"Dammit!" Carl roared, wheeling around and prying Inu away. "This is your fault! I am very unhappy with you!"

Inu's ears lowered and he hung his head. "But Carl! I did what you said! I-I was your wingman!"

"No, Lhasa Apso, what you did was make her think we was freaky together. And then when she wanted TO get freaky, you freaked out!"

Tear blob thingies formed in the corners of Inu's eyes. "Nn, but Carl! I..."

"No, that's it! I've had it with you! You break stuff, you act all queer, you touch me in places that I don't even touch myself, mostly because I can't reach them, but also cause it's weird, and YOU'RE A FREAKIN' MONSTER. Now get outta my sight!"

Inuyasha ran off crying. Carl found his way to Frylock.

"I know what you're thinkin'."

"I told you, I'm staying the hell out of it."

"Great. Well, we're goin', there."

Soon, the Aqua Teens and Carl were back at the car, getting ready to go. Shake sat in the backseat with Meatwad, holding a stained-brown, naked baby doll.

"Meatwad! Look what I got you, a new doll!" Shake chimed, flinging the doll at the meatball.

"What is this thing here?" Meatwad said, uninterested.

"That is new, and it is very expensive," Shake insisted, "and you are to thank me for it. You owe me three favors for this gift I have given you."

Meatwad picked up the doll grudgingly. "Now I'm gonna call this 'Shake Jr.' but I am only going to play with it 'cause we can't return it. But next time I want you to get with me before the purchase is made, because this is not what I want."

Carl looked over his shoulder, having enough crap for one day, his patience quite thin. "Look, would the two of you just shut the hell up or else you're walking home?"

Shake looked up and laughed hysterically. "Geez, what's stuck up your ass, Carl? Oh wait, I know... is it... your gay boyfriend? Who DUMPED you? But is still in your ass?"

...Then, on the side of the road...

"Good going, Shake!" Frylock sarcastically said.

"Silence, wizard," Shake retorted. "You are flying. You do not get to complain about walking home, or anything else ever again for as long as you can fly. ...Make me fly too."

"Damn, you're right," Frylock said, smiling. "This DOES kick ass."

Meatwad, carrying the doll, looked up to Shake. "Master Shake, you gonna have to tell Shake Jr. about what goes in Carl's butt like you said, cause he don't know about stuff like that, and neither do I."

Shake narrowed his eyes. "I will not tell that creature jack squat! I delivered him to you, and now the rest is out of my hands."

Meatwad talked to the doll which apparently wasn't happy about Shake's refusal. "I know, Shake Jr., but now when you's old enough, and it's that time of the month, you'll understand. See, there's birds and there's bees, and I guess Carl's butt... is a bee. And he's got a boyfriend, and they say there's a stork in all this but you know the news hypes this stuff up."

Meatwad paused for a moment then shook the baby doll a little, annoyed. "...Hell, you're a baby, YOU tell ME where you came from."

End Chapter 4?

Author Notes:

Point of interest: I felt a little guilty, getting out my Bible for Dr. Weird, since it hadn't been touched in at least half a year.

Oh, Merciful heavens! I've been flamed! -giggles rather disturbingly- Hellfire, where do I begin... I didn't TURN anyone gay. Everyone can see Inuyasha IS gay. Why wouldn't he have chosen Kagome by now? And his other choice is a freaking zombie dummy, who coincidentally tried to kill him. Of course he prefers men now. Fat, hairy, morally bankrupt men who live in South Jersey and use terms like "knockers" several times a day.

...I just don't see how anyone can question the logic of this story. It's all so, so clear to me.

Heh, one of the best characters ever, ruined. No offense to IY fans but I don't care for the guy that much. He's an average character whose repetitive revelations of a now-obvious strong compassion and vulnerability beneath a gruff, hot-headed exterior are somehow intended, but in my eyes fail, to pull the meandering, neverending series into a dramatic and worthwhile focal point. Really, his best point is in his design, which is admittedly stylish, and the light, quaint humor his behavior lends to so well.

In summary, OMG!1 no im not terrible, YOU are terrible. YOUR MOM is terrible. Cancel your mom, she is terrible, you are also terrible.

Zeon of the Twilight Blade: The first two are creepy, well, so is the third, but Frylock and Lois seems possible. She's torn between Peter's... uh, human body, and Frylock's thoughtful, sophisticated nature. I don't think I want to write this, though. Anyone else?

Petrafina Dantanko: You reminded me, yet again, that Dr. Weird hasn't been in this fic. Well, I've fixed that, so everyone has you to thank. I hope I did him a little justice, as even the writers of the show have worn him a little thin, or I assume so based on the transition to the ever-cute Spacekataz.

To all you lovers out there, keep it real. And to the haters, let's keep the flames coming, because...

I just -

don't -

feel -

-points forward, camera zooming into his suddenly intense, yelling face-

THE BURN!

-late 80's badly synthesized workout music starts playing, various men in spandex with bad mullets come out and start dancing- 


	5. The Calling

Sorry, kids, it's been awhile, but if you need this fic to live, you have serious problems. P.S, new computer, yay, so finally I can do things like **bold** and _italic_ without the formatting getting devoured. Also, I've learned a lesson about using asterisks, finally: they never work. Anyway, without further ado:

----------

The Moon. Brilliant beacon of light... most of the time. Also fairly large, and spherical. With the exception of Neil Armstrong and several chimpanzees, only one other brand of creature is intrepid enough to set foot on this celestial body:

The Mooninites.

_Chapter Five: The Calling_

It was night on the moon, sort of. It was dark, anyway. Within the blocky pink ship of the Mooninites,

Err sat at the controls of a Commodore 64, which inexplicably was connected to the internet. Upon their video screen was a website, a poor reader, Err clumsily muttered aloud each handful of words, pondering them deeply.

"And... Seven of Nine... said... 'here, let... me take... off my... to-'--"

"Err," said Ignignokt as he walked into the ship.

Err hopped off his feet, producing an old-school jumping noise.

"Wha! Um! Nothing!" he piped as he frantically hit the back button until the page he'd been reading was gone. "I'm not doing anything! You just back off!"

Ignignokt shuffled in, making blipping sounds with each step. "How many times must I tell you not to read bad Star Trek fan fiction in my presence?"

"Yeah, but-"

"And yet you still do. Listen, Err. Seven of Nine will never put out. She's just not like that."

Err pointed at his larger friend and narrowed his eyes, although it was hard to tell. "Let a man dream, dammit!"

Ignignokt snatched the Commodore controller and began to press buttons, while speaking in his all-knowing voice. "Dreams are for handicapped children, born without the ability to walk, for the sake of my laughter, and so I can steal their things without being chased. Forget these crude stories. I shall lead you to adult images of the nice woman who plays miss Seven of Nine."

Somehow ending up at Google with naught but a joystick, Ignignokt then 'typed' in the words "star trek adult porno".

"Watch, and be aroused," he stated.

"The filter," Err commented, shortly before a page came up saying ACCESS DENIED.

"That's right," Ignignokt replied, promptly dropping the controller on the floor. "Parental controls prevent this search from completing. Are you satisfied?"

"More like pissed! We gotta figure out how ta turn that off!" Err ranted, stomping up and down.

"Yes. Damn you, Commodore 64," Ignignokt said, walking to it and beginning to kick it repeatedly. "Damn you and your moral conservativism."

"Hey, that's mine!" Err snapped.

"Then you'll be the owner of a broken machine soon. You'll have only yourself to blame."

"Yeah, well... hey! Will not! You're doin' it!"

"Never question what I say," Ignignokt replied, cancelling his kicking assault and taking a step back. "Take us to our provider's homepage. We will tell them we are unsatisfied with their service. We will also tell them what things they like to eat. 'Dong' will be one of these things. The others will come as my mind forms them."

"C... o... d... Uh, how do you spell Commodore?" Err asked.

"You don't," Ignignokt answered. "Forget it. This human technology is too simple to use. Go back to your childish stories."

Err blinked and then returned to "I'm gonna go back to that story. The gettin' was good!"

"Don't, please," Ignignokt requested painfully. "Find one about the Aqua Teens. Look up 'bruise' and 'ass', also, as that is what I wish to do to them."

"Bruuse... Ass... nope. They got some, though. What the hell? _My Jersey Boy_?"

"I feel the fourth wall's crushing weight. At any rate, a title like that could never be good, even if it were awesome."

"Carl... and... Inew... yawshuh?"

"Names shouldn't be so hard to read," Ignogngingwhatever complained, turning away from the screen. "My interest is dead, like Ronald Reagan and Classic Rock. Let's go throw bricks at something, and then lie about it. While holding bricks."

"Wait a second! What the hell?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Err, your laughter confuses me."

"The fat man's GAY!"

"Where?! What?"

"Ha... right there, look! Haha... with this... this Inuyamcha guy! Hahaha!"

"This is golden. Engines, turn on!"

"Heh, heh... huh? Yes!! Pizza run!!" Err hopped up and raised his arms.

"No, Err. Your need for pizza can wait. We are going to go call Carl names because of his sexual orientation."

"Score!" Err cheered, bouncing around. "Fat man, I hope you like getting burned!"

"I hope he doesn't," Ignignokt said as the ship began to take off. "That is why we'll do it."

"Haha! Whatever!"

"Yes. Whatever."

---------

The night of the great clubbing expedition had passed. Inuyasha slept under a tree in the Aqua Teen's yard, although now he was awake, arms folded behind his head, legs pretzeled together, and the Tetsaiga, which hasn't been mentioned until now, was propped between his legs, resting over his shoulder. The noontime sun shone down on him, illuminating his silky locks and causing his eyes to stay in a downcast, half-open state as he reflected to himself.

"Kagome... and the others, too... I hope you're alright."

Kagome. He hadn't thought of her in so long. A girl who meant a lot to him as a friend. How would he tell her...? How would he break the news that he was in love?

Meanwhile, inside, Meatwad sat on the floor, holding an action figure of a humanoid dinosaur in a lab coat. He went over to Shake, who was watching TV in his chair.

"Hey, Shake," Meatwad said, shaking the figure at him to get his attention.

"No, Frylock, I don't hear anything," Shake said, turning to the floating box of fries in the kitchen. "Do you?"

"It's me," the greasy creature insisted. "Did you know Professor Dinosaur's greatest weapon is his mind?"

Shake grabbed the toy from him and threw it across the room. "How could I not?! You've been saying it for three hours!"

"Hey!!" Meatwad cried, chasing after it and picking it up. "The scientific community may have abandoned him for his rival, Dr. Mammal, P.H.D., but you can't just throw him aside! He's got credentials! And credentials talk!"

Looking to Frylock once more, Shake spoke in a soft, weary tone. "If he doesn't stop, I'll take this farther than I ever have. It's not even something I want to do. It's just going to happen."

Frylock groaned and floated over to Meatwad. "Alright, Meatwad. Master Shake's about to murder you. Why don't you take your new toy outside and see if Inuyasha wants to play?"

"Well, I guess I could," Meatwad answered, looking off to one side, then back to Frylock with a smile. "Hey Frylock. Professor Dinosaur says that all mammals are inferior because they can't bite through a pickup truck!"

"Uh-huh," Frylock agreed patiently. "I'm not sure how scientific that is, but-"

"And for only $29.99 this boy can prove it. You pull this trigger on his back, and a real bite comes out of the truck." Meatwad pushed the trigger and the dinosaur roared a low sound quality utterance about science while his mouth clamped shut. "Now we just need to get over to ToyLand and-"

"Would you just get your ass outside?!" Frylock snapped.

----

The door slammed and Meatwad was outside. He slid over to Inuyasha and stared at him, drawing the ire of the dogboy.

"Ugh, you again... what do you want?" Inuyasha asked, averting his head. "God, you reek..."

Meatwad blinked a few times. "Yeah, that's 'cause I sleep on a grill."

Inuyasha's eyes twitched. "It's because you're a rotting pile of old meat!!"

"Oh," Meatwad answered. "...I guess so. Anyway, Professor Dinosaur wrote his thesis on droppings and their impact on... uh... on the ground. When he dropped 'em."

Inuyasha squinted at him. "What the hell's a thesis?"

Meatwad smiled. "Oh, you wouldn't know about those. Yeah, they're in college. I went, you know."

"Yes, I know. You've been talking about that for awhile now." Inuyasha sighed and shook his head. "Look, could you check on Carl? He doesn't let me in his house."

"Oh, yeah, Carl, sure," Meatwad agreed sarcastically. "...What's in it for me?"

Inuyasha brandished his claws at the greasy ball. "You go do what I say and I won't have to bury you alive!"

Meatwad glanced off to one side, pausing. "...I mean... I could go check on Carl... if that's what you wanted."

Inuyasha nodded once and Meatwad slid off to do just that.

------

"Ohhhh yeah," Carl said, sitting in front of his widescreen TV and watching an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess while drinking a beer. "Keep walkin', Gabrielle. ...This is nice. Almost makes me forget I got some sort of gay dog thing waitin' for me to go outside. But, I'm pretty good in here. Got a week's worth of baked beans... don't really gotta take the trash out or nothin'... Anyway, that guy's comin' in like five days, so..."

"Carl."

"Wha-wha-whaduhhell?!" Carl said, looking around in surprise. "Which one of you monsters is breaking into my house today?"

Left and right offered no clues, so he looked down, and there he saw Meatwad.

"Oh, it's you, Meat-man. Is he still out there?"

"Yes," Meatwad answered. "Hey Carl, can I borrow $29.99?"

Carl laughed. "If I had that kinda money I'd buy me a DVD. Not the dirty ones. Like a real movie, the ones with Special Features..." He sighed and lowered his head. "Like Back to the Future or one of them."

Meatwad stared blankly. "...'Cause for $29.99 I can buy me a pickup truck and witness the true power of science."

"Whoa, what the hell you got there?" Carl asked. "Friggin'... someone bought you a toy that isn't a cheap piece of crap."

"Yeah, Frylock took me to the mall and I did some field research on reptile-based toys. Turns out that Professor Dinosaur was just what I needed for my current, uh, things I do."

"But where does a thing like you get money, is what I'm askin'?"

"From you," Meatwad said.

Carl sighed and rubbed his head, remembering the night before and how he had paid the Aqua Teens to avoid having to go out with Inuyasha alone.

"I'd love to tell him you aren't here," Meatwad explained, taking on a coy persuasiveness. "But them boys at Stanford are laughing because Professor Dinosaur ain't got no grant money. Did you know that biting pickup trucks is one of the most undeveloped fields of research in the world today? It's not even recognized at MIT, Harvard, or--"

"Okay. Meat-man. I'll give you 30 freakin' dollars. Just, y'know, give me a few minutes to take it out of my health insurance policy. If I still have it."

------

Meatwad moved past Inuyasha, carrying Professor Dinosaur in one hand and a handful of old bills in the other.

"Hey! Is Carl okay?" Inu asked, catching Meatwad's attention.

"Oh. Carl's not home," Meatwad answered.

Inu sat up straight. "Well where is he?!"

Meatwad shifted his eyes around, looking for what to say. "Uh, he... tree... roof... then he... road..."

"What the hell does that mean?!" Inu growled.

The lies weren't working. Meatwad looked straight up and then smiled to Inuyasha. "Boy, I forgot. Carl had to go to the clouds."

Inuyasha gasped and his eyes widened. "I-is Carl... dead?"

Meatwad blinked a few times. "Um... yes?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Inuyasha cried, slumping against the ground and pounding his fists upon the earth.

----

Carl was sitting forward, getting very into the Xena episode, when he was jarred by the deafening scream from outside. "Dammit..." he muttered.

Meanwhile, the Mooninites stood right outside his window, staring in, Err hopping up and down repeatedly to see better.

"He isn't gay," Ignignokt said in disappointment. "Look. He's a lesbian."

------------

Author Note Type Thing:

Whew. How about that ATHF bomb scare thing? Awesome, huh?

Anyway, it's been so long, thanks for all the reviews everyone, and the flames are classic. Hope this chapter is okay.

Also, you wouldn't believe how many times I've typed "Meatward" instead of Meatwad on this chapter. It's ridiculous. Well then, until next time. -Pretending like he didn't go a year and a half without updating-


	6. The Cleansing

The Aqua Teen house, several minutes after a terrible scream resounded outside:

As the television depicted a cartoon about a fox strangling a hen, Master Shake sat motionlessly in his chair, staring. Off at the side of the room, Frylock hovered idly.

"This program needs to work harder for me," Shake said to no one in particular, a listless boredom defining his voice. "More events should occur, and more events geared to my tastes which are violence and mature situations."

A bulldog hit the fox over the head with a claw hammer. Shake chuckled briefly, then after a pause, sighed.

"Where are the..." Shake started to say, then rolled to one side enough to see that Frylock was still there. "Where are the women in cartoons?" he asked thought-provokingly.

"There was Betty Boop," Frylock answered.

Shake tried not to laugh.

"What?!" Frylock asked defensively.

"I, hah, I'm sorry, I never saw that one," Shake said sarcastically. "Your grandmother never taped that for me when she watched it when she was _eight_ because they didn't have real tv yet."

Frylock merely stared that one off blankly as Shake went back to watching.

Shake gradually went on, saying "...It was such a drought for lovin', that Bugs Bunny became a transvestite."

Frylock quirked an eyebrow. "Well, you know, he used that to trick--"

"Everybody wanted him, too, that's the sad part," said Shake, cutting Frylock off, then with a small grin adding "but they couldn't get it... you know?"

"Yeah..." Frylock said in a dull, possibly even bitter voice. "...I know."

Shake glimpsed toward Frylock. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Oh, I'm just thinking," Frylock answered lightly. "About this whole Inuyasha thing."

"Well can you think outside?" Shake whined. "You have a room. ...A room _or_ outside. Look at the options you get here. This is _your_ life here, Frylock. You just have to live it in one of the ways that I have laid out for you."

Frylock narrowed his eyes. "I'm just watching tv! I'm the one who pays the damn cable bills," he argued.

"Alright!" Shake said in a high voice, looking away. "Just please always pay them. I need it so bad. Please," he trailed off into a mutter.

The door swung open and Meatwad rolled in. "Hey, um, I'm s'posed to tell you guys... uh..."

"Who let you in?" Shake asked, turning and facing the small meatball, staring but not particularly acting as if he wanted an answer.

"Inuyasha said he wants one of you to play Sewer Shark with him, on the Sega CD," Meatwad said, pointing at them.

"The hell?" Shake asked quietly, looking at the ceiling in thought.

"That's what he said?" Frylock asked curiously.

"Yeah," Meatwad answered. "Because he said that he doesn't want to live anymore, if Carl ain't here."

Shake leaned back in his chair happily. "Haha... yes! Thank you, Jesus or God."

"Shake!!" Frylock snapped. "He's commiting suicide?!" he then quickly asked.

"Yeah," Meatwad confirmed, still puzzled by the s-word in question. "Se...Sewer Slide. For the Sega CD, though, I remember that."

Frylock cocked an eyebrow. "He really said that part?"

"16 bits of power, with real CD video and sound," Meatwad insisted as if in an advertisement.

"And like eight colors, don't forget that," Shake said sarcastically.

"And eight colors," Meatwad mirrored.

"Wait, what's this about Carl?" Frylock asked.

"Well, Carl's in the clouds," Meatwad explained. "I think he got picked up by some angels that came offa Route 66... and they're gonna go see my daddy, and all my pets."

"He's DEAD?" Shake asked bluntly.

"Shake! We don't use that word around Meatwad!" Frylock snapped.

Meatwad glared angrily. "Shit, boy, they never invite me to them parties."

"I'll drop you off," Shake offered calmly, "on my Chariot of Fire."

Meatwad's eyes bulged eagerly. "Will you really?!"

"No, no, no," Frylock said quickly, flying between the two and outstretching two fries. "Okay, Meatwad, this is important. Is Carl really..." He glanced out of the corner of his eye and saw Shake was staring at him.

"What?" Shake shrugged. "You're gonna say it."

"Meatwad, is Carl dead?" Frylock asked frankly.

"Hell no!" Meatwad replied. "I was just there, Carl's got a long and happy life ahead of him."

Shake snorted back a laugh.

Frylock squinted in puzzlement. "But you just said he was in the clouds."

Meatwad stared at him unflinchingly. "I may have said something to that effect, yes."

"...But he's..."

"...Yes."

"Oh, dammit, Meatwad! I'm just going to go over there!" Frylock said with a sigh and floated outside.

This left Meatwad and Shake looking at each other in a moment of awkward silence, as if that were anything new.

Meatwad made a squishing sound as he blinked.

"So, he wants to die, huh?" Shake asked nonchalantly.

"Who?" Meatwad asked back, completely in the dark.

"You know, Meatwad," Shake began, standing up in his chair. "Sometimes, when an evil demon is asleep in your lawn over a period of several days, and then he becomes suicidal..."

Meatwad started to roll away, but caught Shake's eyes on him and stopped to listen.

"There comes a time when one man has to stand up and do the right thing."

"Boy, you talkin' about Bruce Willis!" Meatwad said knowingly.

"No, no," Shake explained with an arrogant calm. "Bruce Willis IS a man who has risen up in certain motion pictures, but I was talking about myself, a man who is real, and not a media symbol meant to _represent_ people like me."

"You ain't no man," Meatwad replied.

"I'm a man to _you,_" Shake insisted, "and you will call me Master, or Sir."

"Sir..." Meatwad cracked a smile. "...Cumcision."

Shake sighed gently and hopped off of his chair. "Meatwad, please. You don't even know what that is. Do you?"

"Um."

"Go on. Tell me what it is."

"It's, uh."

"No, really, I don't know either. I need to know! I think it'll make me _bigger,_" Shake said with a quick glance to the side. "You know."

"It's, uh... you ain't no damn man!"

"Mere words," Shake replied indifferently, then raised his head and balled his fists. "Come! It is time."

"Okay."

The two departed outside, and within a few seconds they found Inuyasha curled up under a tree.

"Is he--" Shake started to ask.

"I don't think he sees us," Meatwad answered, and both of them kept about ten feet away.

But Inuyasha heard them. He had cried himself dry, sobbed himself still. Now he merely lied, or laid if you will, a broken shell of himself, so many strands of exotic silver hair strewn about like a waterfall of silvery, hairlike strands cascading down his body clad in red. His timeless doglike ears were drooped irrecuperably.

"Carl..." he hissed out in a breathless squeak, raising his head feebly. So distraught was our heroi... hero that his impeccably acute hearing and smell could not distinguish the musk of his potbellied idol from that of a tangy dairy substance or a rancid ball of conglomerated meats. No, it wasn't that. He was _haunted_ by that week-old armpit sweat and fluid-encrusted fabric. Everything sounded, everything smelled like Carl. Carl. Carl.

"CARL!!" he roared, twisting his head about and digging at the ground violently with his claws. "WHY, WHY, WHY?!!" he screeched, hands piercing the bark of the tree, fangs braced together to detest some phantom enemy; the enemy was death itself.

Savagely, Inuyasha began to slam his own head against the tree. Mercilessly he shed his own blood and bit by bit he knocked away bark and crushed a cavity into the very wood of the tree, all the while screaming that name: "CARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARLCARL --gasp-- CARLCARLCARLCAAAAARLLLLL!!!!!!"

Meatwad just blinked, then pointed. "I think he likes this here tree."

"I think he likes Carl," said Shake, unable then to hold back a juvenile smirk as he added, "...in the butt."

"Carl..." Inuyasha rasped, and turned to face them both, eyes gleaming brilliant golden light. "WHAT DO _YOU_ KNOW ABOUT CARL?!" he yelled defensively.

"He's fat, he's lazy, he's into double Ds, and he is the least generous person I have ever stolen from," Shake said without hesitation. "_That_ is what I know about Carl, and it is more than anyone should."

Inuyasha snarled at the milkshake, but in his sorrow he could not lash out.

Shake smiled and waddled forward. "That leaves one loose end in this... equation."

Inuyasha slumped into a sit, eyes downcast and heavy. "Then you came to kill me," he spoke, both in sadness and relief.

"Kill?" Shake repeated loosely. "No..."

His eyes narrowed as his browlike lid angled down. The light faded around him and ominous music swelled up in the background. "I came... to _kill_."

The music hovered dramatically and everyone was quiet.

"Now, he did say that," Meatwad pointed out. "He said--"

The mood effects faded as Shake angrily swatted at Meatwad. "I know what he said! I have to -- nevermind. It is time."

Shake looked around thoughtfully, then to Inuyasha. "So, this your first time dying?" he asked casually.

"Sort of..." Inuyasha said, head hung. "Although I was bound to a tree in a--"

"First timer, huh? I'll make it good for you," Shake insisted, walking off. "Wait here."

---------

Inuyasha sat under the tree with Carl's grill's gas tank in his lap, firecrackers strung over him and a small pile of aerosol cans on the ground around him. Shake finished pouring cooking oil on Inuyasha's head and then threw the empty bottle over his shoulder, causing it to explode on the ground.

"Couldn't find the flammable paint, and _someone _has used up all of our asbestos, they shall remain nameless; but, we've got the core elements," Shake said professionally and waddled to a safe distance. He picked up a crossbow and a pack of matches.

"Now, you'll feel a sort of..." he explained, repeatedly trying to strike a match and repeatedly failing. "Well... it's a... like a _burning_... you know. You'll like it. Don't worry."

"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Meatwad asked from his vantage point next to Inuyasha.

"Meatwad," Shake replied. "How many times have I done this? The blaze will be sufficient, as it always has."

"Cause those're my fireworks..." Meatwad added cautiously.

"And I told you," Shake insisted. "You'll get to see them the way they're meant to be used. Just stay where you're at, it is the recommended viewing distance."

Meatwad started to move, but compliantly went back when Shake said that.

"I don't think this will work," Inuyasha suggested. "My clothes will probably absorb the damage."

"You're second-guessing me," Shake said with a sigh. "For this to work, you have to want it, you have to. Do you want this?"

Inuyasha slowly nodded.

"Then you'll take those off right now!!" Shake said angrily.

---------

Inuyasha sat under the tree, naked, with all the explosives and flammables still scattered about him.

Shake was still trying to light the match. "Now if... the friggin'... match would... we'd... aha!!"

Flame sparked forth and was used to light the head of the crossbow bolt. "Meatwad, say the prayer," Shake said seriously.

Meatwad put his hands together. "Dear God, thank you for Thanksgiving... which is where we thank you for giving us the Indians and the pilgrims and them turkeys... and corn."

"Amen," Shake agreed, and readied the crossbow.

"And mashed potatoes," Meatwad added.

Shake aimed and narrowed his eyes. "Back to Hell with you!"

After that, everything flew by in an instant. Carl and Frylock suddenly came outside. Frylock's eyes went wide. "Whoa, Shake!!" he shouted.

"Wha, wha, wha...!" Carl protested. "The hell's this?! You said you had the cast of friggin' Baywatch out here..."

"Carl!!" Inuyasha cried in surprise.

Just then, the gang from Inuyasha jumped out of the well that inexplicably existed in the Aqua Teens' backyard

"I... Inuyasha?!" Kagome said.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha gasped.

"IT ENDS HERE!!" Shake yelled and fired the bolt. It punctured the gas tank which blew up in a large, fiery cloud. Fireworks crackled and flew through the air and everyone shielded themselves from the explosion and ensuing smoke.

"Shake, what the hell did you do that for?!" Frylock demanded, coughing a few times.

"I alone am the agent of The Cleansing," Shake told Frylock seriously.

"Cup, I totally owe you one," Carl said in a low voice.

"Who are you people?!" Miroku asked. "How could you kill Inuyasha? And where are his clothes!"

"You knew Inuyasha?" Frylock asked, floating closer to the the tree.

"CARL!!!" Inuyasha cried out, emerging from the lingering gas fire intact. He ran to Carl full speed, nude and flaming.

"Oh fu--" Carl muttered in dread before being tackled to the grass.

"How could he possibly have survived?!" Shake asked, wide eyes narrowing in conclusion. "Unless... he's a demon! Call the exorcist!"

Frylock stared at him.

"What?!" Shaked asked. "I can talk!"

"Carl I was so scared! I thought you were dead!!" Inuyasha sobbed, clinging to him.

"Jesus..." Carl groaned weakly, patches of fire spreading to him. "Uh, yeah there, Inuyasha. How you doin'. You're, uh, lookin' good with no eyebrows, there... and burned, you look kinda burned you know...?"

"Really?!" the scorched mutt asked, glowing with pride at the compliment.

"Eh, sure, why not..." Carl sputtered. "Look, I think ah, I think I'm gonna crawl into my pool and put out the fire that's, you know, starting to consume my body. I don't really care what you do, not in the short term or whatever."

"Sure," Inuyasha placidly agreed and climbed off of Carl.

"Friggin'... hate this..." Carl said to himself quietly as he dragged to his feet and walked over toward the pool, his scalp, arm and back bearing small but steady flames. "...So tired of being burned... and why the hell is he naked anyway... friggin' weird..."

As Carl arrived at his pool, he saw the Mooninites floating in it. He stood plainly, hands on his hips, slowly burning as he looked at them. "Oh good, it's you jokers."

"Hello Carl," Ignignokt said plainly. "We are in your pool."

"And you can like it!" Err piped sharply.

"And you _will_ like it," Ignignokt insisted, pulling out his laser.

"That's... great," Carl said, looking down at the ground and rubbing his head for a few seconds before his legs collapsed under him and he fell into a fiery crumple.

"Does he--?" Err whispered.

"Yes. Do you like it?" Ignignokt asked, leaning over the rim of the pool to look to Carl.

"Uh, yeah... no, I'm just gonna die now," Carl replied indifferently.

Ignignokt stared for awhile, then fired an incredibly slow space bullet at Carl's downed body. Err hopped up on the rim and pointed at Carl.

"...That's right," Ignignokt said.

"F&#ing OWNED," Err yelled.

---------

I had the first half... or first third or so, of this chapter done like half a year ago, but I had high hopes for the chapter as a whole and was sort of intimidated/uninspired as to how to pull it off. However, I've been in a writing mood lately and it just sort of came to me. This isn't an excuse, just a window into the function of my, uh, functions. Also, my friend asked for more, so that's sort of an inspiring factor too. Anyway, this is longer than usual I think.

By the way, I ought to reply to a few reader reviews like I used to do. So...

Psychogizmo asks: Why do people feel the need to cross Inu Yasha with EVERYTHING?

Kreskin says: Well gee, Pyschogizmo, I don't know. It's a perplexing question. Perhaps this odd habit of Inuyasha crossovers among its fanbase is something I am doing a PARODY of? Yes folks, you've heard it here for the first time! This story is in fact a PARODY and not a serious interpretation of Inuyasha's story or character(s). I know, it's shocking. I sincerely apologize to anyone trolled by this story, for the inconvenience and for misleading you. I figure it's time to come clean, though.

Further admissions of guilt include the fact that yes, I purposely write Inuyasha's character incorrectly. A few reviewers even seem to have noticed this trend, and I congratulate them and suggest they look into careers of private investigation. More specifically, I incorrectly write his character at times and at others I hint at his actual personality or behavior, just for kicks.

This is because I think an inconsistent depiction of a character is a poorer, and therefore more humorous, absurdist parody than an absolute polar flip of the character. This story is essentially a combination of my take of "business as usual" for the Aqua Teen half and "what the hell is this crap" for the Inuyasha half.

Loki14 says: Hey, me again, your old dedicated fan.

You finally updated the story, ya jerk! Haha, just make sure to do it more often. Nice chapter, by the way, I love the "Carl died" thing. You should totally have Inuyasha do something really freaky right now...like, I don't know, go curl up on Carl's bed and cry and then have Carl walk in on him. lol

Kreskin says: Thanks a lot for the support, yes I am a jerk! I'm glad you liked Carl's alleged death and I hope you like where things went. I had a few other ideas and maybe I'll still use them.

Zeon of the Twilight Blade says (among other things): Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter of unholy leetness, more Dr. Weird please, and you still convey the character's perfectly, as I can picture all this as an episode of ATHF.

OH, and yeah, I wish I had one of those signs man, can you imagine what they'll go for on Ebay in awhile?

Kreskin says: If I were a rich man (Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum), I would pay thousands of dollars for a Mooninites light-up sign on Ebay. I'll try and put in Dr. Weird again, although I have to admit I can't think up as many of those sketches as the show itself did (and a lot of them sucked, I mean they were decent but compared to "I have grafted a deer antler to my groin", Dr. Weird had some low points). Oh well. Sorry he's not around this time, but I promise to think about him.

Alright, that's all for now, cats and kittens. Help control your own population. Get yourselves spayed or neutered. See you soon(???).


End file.
